. . .
2020 has been a hell of a year. Relationships came and went. I was fortunate enough to learn and grow as a person. I look forward to great things in 2021. I have made some amazing new friends and kick started my career in IT and telecommunications. I feel content. For the most part. But I always feel like something is missing. I have changed so much I barely recognize myself lol. But there are a lot of things I wish I could have done differently in my life. Some of the things that happened still haunt me to this day but I have to keep moving forward. As hard as that may be for many of us, we have to do our best not to let our demons catch up to us.
That's probably hypocritical coming from me but I try to be a positive force in my life. Despite my short comings. There is one regret I live with that cost me a friend. This person was very kind, loving, and unbreakable to me. She was someone who stuck by me even while I refused to confront my trauma. I spent the better part of my military career destroying every last relationship I had. I was unable to recognize just how badly traumatized I really was. Years of therapy helped me understand that the man who assaulted me back in 2015 was to blame. He made me relive every traumatic memory in my life and in turn cost me everything at the time. I wish I was able to forget sometimes. I've been strong for myself for so long but now I think I am tired. The people I have met, came to be familiar with, and even loved have all..gone. So I don't know what is keeping me here tbh.
I am grateful for the experiences I have had so far. But there are some things I have tried and failed to let go of. If you are ever lucky enough to find the one person who makes your heart race every time you see them, never let go. Be good to them. Cherish them. And talk to them. Tell them how you feel everyday, tell them your love and pain. Don't close yourself off to them. Let them embrace all of who you are. It is scary at first but you have to let yourself know love. Real love so you might accept them as they have accepted you. Don't try to convince yourself that it is for the best because you may end up regretting it everyday for the rest of your life. You never forget your first love.
I like to use these journals as a way of confronting myself and feelings. Don't expect no one to read this so, I am okay with it. I am still trying to face each day as best I can. And I will keep doing my best. I believe in myself. .
Old Art Pieces
I found SO much of my old art on Furaffinity, an account I forgot I had, and now comes the rapid uploads. I feel the need to preserve these old pieces. Some of it dates back to 2012 up to 2016! Damn, I am having a serious nostalgia trip lol. It's been so many years and I wasn't half bad. I even have some old commissions that I did for people. I am at a loss for why I stopped drawing. Oh right, I was in the Army...
Hello Again.
As usual, adulting has taken up most of my time. I am transitioning back into drawing again but it is taking some time. I suppose this journal will suffice as a life update.
I have been spending more time studying for my humanities course at Harvard so..it's not like I will have all the time in the world, even with the pandemic, to do whatever I want. Online classes don't stop just because everyone is dieing lol. But still, I am buying a new tablet so it will get me started in the right direction. I see there are some pictures I have not completed so they will be the first things I work on.
Let's see. . .actually I will be moving once my lease is up in June so..again it may take some time before I can begin unleashing my creativity upon DA.
It is good to be back. I had honestly forgotten I had created a new account. Probably to get away from some drama I am sure. Looking back at all my art I realize how much I loved doing this. I don't know what changed. Hopefully I can start new and continue doing what I love. It will be good to see if I retained anything for all these years lol.